can I change life?

Poetic words come across my brain

I refrain from speaking, I bite my tongue

Knowing full well I will never be this young again

The words never leave the ink stained paper hidden in a notebook

Dear diary, I have feeling that are not reciprocated

I am not hated, but not loved either

Not at least in the ways to fight loneliness

I fight, but it’s not much of struggle

It feels like I need to juggle my priorities but I couldn’t find them

I self medicate with drugs and alcohol

Only to recall my binges through friends the next afternoon when I awake

I quake at the idea of failure but death doesn’t get a second look

The sanity it took to stay has since left but I can’t find my way out

I’m trapped in a maze and I still can’t find the cheese

I wonder if it’s actually there

I wonder if it’s moldy since I’ve been alive 18 years

Cheers to life, may we make it strange

Arrange events that take the hearts of the innocent

We must protect them so they don’t ever learn the pain

I know it sounds insane but when I saw you in the rain I wanted to move

But I couldn’t break out of my shell

I know hell is in my future but I refuse to let it change my actions

Some people just lose

Maybe we all lose in the end

Maybe we live in a world of pretend

Life can be anything that we intend

Just be careful of the messages you send

i guess some explaining is in order

I guess some explaining is order. I am a broke college student, and a lazy one at that.  I can make no promises on content.  The fact that I sometimes remember this blog and forget a lot is strange to begin with.  I don't have a known idea of my future.  This blog is to capture my college experience.  Some posts will be poetry, other will be stories.  Let the fun begin :)

A thousand voices by Cody Myers

Ever since I was a little kid
My grandparents would compliment my imagination
I would go on tangents telling stories on a whim that made no sense
Even now I have no idea what I was talking about
But it didn’t matter, I just said the first words that came out of my mouth
As I grew up I began to notice something… Strange
No matter what I did I never seemed to really live
The first time I performed a poem I was 15
That day I had never felt so alive in my life
And I knew… That meant something
The words I wrote came straight from the heart
From a chorus of a thousand voices telling me exactly what to say
Until that day I didn’t know what really made me tic
That day I learned I was a broken clock who was numb until I was wound up
Every time I went to write was I started to work
I am a stationary being who only moves when I have a movement behind me
I find that my best moments are not my accomplishments on paper
But rather the people my ink on paper has changed
I live to please, that’s what I always tell people
My mind both push me to suicide and pulled me away
Because now adays for every one sad voice in my head
I have a thousand drowning them out
But it’s not always that way
Those rhymes that people say don’t hide the mental bruises that actually occur
Years of unseen mental abuse leads me to question ever but about me
So excuse me if I don’t give a shit when I complement you
Excuse me if I think I could blindly run into a city and get that same complement from a thousand other people! Even if it means getting hit by a few cars in the process
I don’t sleep because there are a thousand voices giving me doubt
I don’t sleep because they tell me the wonderful things I dream of doing
And I fade away to dreams only to live them all with an audience in my head
I may go no where, hell no one may ever read this
But if I can just change one persons bad judgement
Then I’ve done something right

Fairy Tales by Cody Myers

We are two independent beings

We have lives that are great

Isn’t that how the story goes?

Prince meets princess by fate

Hook up right away like it was meant to be

Well Atlantis has washed up like Disney channel shows

Fairy tales are meant to stay the way

Because if that how every story went then nobody would have anything to say

 We would have no reason to live

And it would lead to late night Netflix sessions with popcorn drenched in self-loathing

Locked in thought that I could change everything with a change of clothing

No

That is not what my life is meant to be like

Nor is yours

Everyone can be unique

Fuck anyone that thinks you HAVE to be a certain way

That if you wear this and walk this way than you can never find love

They shove that bullshit down our throats, and you know what that’s called?

Bullying, nothing more then the rudimentary struggles of our younger selves coming back to haunt us

We’re all possessed and tainted spirits but no one has the precision for an exorcism

Every stich scar and bruise has a story so if you don’t like stories than you don’t want someone who lived

God’s a bully, but we accept it

I say reject it, if your happiness comes from within or something more real than a fairy tale then for fucks sakes tell him off like your middle school bully at your first high school reunion

we are the class of fuck off

the generation that has the chance to change what we look at as people

beauty isn’t just skin deep, but if it is our lives stop half way if we’re lucky and we walk around treated like a zombie, treated like I was infected

I have lived my life believing that I was not good enough

That if only I had gotten lucky in a genetic lottery

And despite a loving family with good values, those traits are void

So excuse me if I get annoyed when some schmuck whose had everything in life handed tell you you’re not beautiful

Just because you weren’t born the way they wanted

Tell them that’s what fairy tales are for

i don't know

As I sit here thinking about what to write I come to a conclusion.  The conclusion is this, i don't know.  This biggest thing I've learned recently is that saying I don't know is a hell of a lot better than convincing myself what the fuck I'm doing.  I'll be honest, I don't .  I make silly videos on the internet and work 40 hours a week when I'm not in school.  I head off to college in the fall and that'll just throw a lovely wrench into anything I'm doing that I don't necessarily like and hopefully I'll do stuff I really enjoy, problem is, I don't know what that is.  

no sense, too tired

I like to write

Laziness wants to fight me

I say bite me or spite me but these words are my freedom

I have broken these chains, my pains are a part of me

so don't start with me on your idea of perfection

although tonight my brain isn't making connections

correction, they just aren't good

the idea that I should quit and call it a day

will people say that the way live is incorrect

I deflect possibility

for tranquility

I'd rather be happy than anything else

myself is who I am to please

I prove things to myself and that's what makes life a breeze 

this poem doesn't make sense

hence the lack of sense

wait that was redundant 

im underfunded because I'm broke and I struggle to write a good joke

but I will tell you sleeping is a piece of cake

which I'm about to do because I have a headache for fuck's sake

Nothing to say but a love to write

What can I say? I love writing this blog, even when the only time I have to work on it is late at night like this. I feel like it may hurt the quality but overall writing is writing. I love working on this and I'm very happy that I get to practice what I enjoy 

should I buy a drawing tablet?

Drawing tablets are essential for a number of jobs in communications, media, design, and animation.  If you're interested in any of those careers then a drawing tablet would be very beneficial.  Wacom Bamboo seems to be the only company out on the market that has really got design and mechanics down.  This is very easy to use and can help benefit your work tremendously.  I myself am trying to get into media, and marketing so this was very important for me to have.  I have begun designing t-shirts with my tablet.  My tablet is the larger of the two I listed below.  It honestly depends on personal preference to determine what size you buy but this is an absolute must for someone looking to make this their jobs or even just blow some time.  So in my opinion, if you have the money, go for it!

redundant video postification

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vb3uXTyjCD0

okay, so this may seem redundent but I made a video saying I have this blog.  XD I am smart, i know right?

this seemed a lot funnier when I wrote this at 2 a.m.

you ever find yourself awake at night and you're like "awh shiiittt that's a great idea" then the next morning you're like "no, no it's not... the fuck?" anyways I digress but I haven't slept in two days FUCK SLEEP.  I don't mean actually fuck it, because that's like rape and shit but I mean like fuck it in a metaphorical sense, ya know?  I could use some sleep.  Sleep used to be my coke, before ya know coke.  Coke is a gateway beverage... oh shit I just realized that that could have been misinterpreted like bread to mean the drug.  drugz are bad kid, I better not catch you doin crystal meth because you're like "science bitch".  Nah I don't want to see any of that Walt and Jesse shit.  No meth labs for you! anyways, what was I saying? I can't remember.  But seriously always plan your shit out.  Don't be like me who needs to wake up in three hours to drive across the fucking state.  God I'm fucking stupid sometimes.  This is just like the time I tried to make spiderman give me a piggy back ride in time square.  Shit just wasn't clickin in mah brains.  I better get some z's before all the zebras in bikinis get them.  I wonder if anyone would ever try and fuck a zebra in a bikini.  Is that legal, like if it dresses like a person, eats like a person, and takes over the world like a person WHY CAN'T IT HAVE THE SAME FUCKING RIGHTS. I don't know man, some shit don't make sense.  Also yes, my mouth is this fucking bad, I don't have a problem.  okay off to bed to wake up to feeling this could have been a lot funnier.  PEACE OUT MOIST PEEPS!

The pain of 'What if'

do you ever ask yourself what if?
like what if that girl said yes
so instead of your heart sinking, it beats out of your chest
my mind, runs endless with no rest
completing mental marathons with numb legs
chasing, but never leading
because this moment is fleeting and with hope depleting
only a miracle can stop this wound from bleeding
the wound of what if
you see; reality may suck, but it's the unknown that really stings
the things you can't control
that sunday stroll where the goal became running away
sometimes we have a thousand things to say
other times we're speechless
a lost for words when we're trying to impress
can we address the issue or just continue to hide in secrecy
they say read between the lines but I got a different key
We don't see the same things, and that makes me want to cry
because no matter how hard I try, the words are foreign
because I'm torn and I can't find the first aid kit
I'm tired of this shit and I just want an answer
I swear to god these what ifs are eating me alive like cancer!

Starchild

The past four years have gone so fast
All the while thinking it’ll last
And now we’re at the end
no more playing pretend
no more dodging responsibilities
no more putting the future on hold
because it’s happening
so don’t live life in denial, clinging onto your youthful ignorance
I say embrace the choices you make and age in style
and whatever you do after you leave this place, don’t lose sight of yourself
So often I see people going to a job that they hate when just a few years ago they were perusing they’re dreams
And Maybe they were just pipe dreams, but they lost hope
And when you lose hope life takes a little more away from you than it should
Like it’s saying “you could of done more”
Because we’re young
I Never want to forget what that feels likes
Even if it means buying those glow in the dark stars, writing everything I want out of life on them and putting them all over my bedroom ceiling so when I lay down every night I get to lookup and see my wishes
And the beauty of stars is, when one blows up it can create new ones
A never ending source of childlike wonder fueling our decisions
Our ambitions
Sure it’s dangerous out there and we can get hurt
But what’s living without a few battle scars
So when life knocks you down, you better be jumping right back up
At least that’s what needs to happen
I’m no stranger to depression, no stranger to feeling down
I remember the days I didn’t have friends to lean on
And the only attention I got only seemed to make things worse
Things have gotten better of course, but they’ve left their mark
My little reminder that I can’t be hiding in the dark
because when you live in the dark you have a hard time finding yourself
maybe that’s why I changed so much, I’m using the stars to see. 
So maybe I don’t seem like the same me
Maybe I don’t act the same way I used to
Maybe we were once close and now it feels like a mountain separates us
With change, I’ve lost friends, I’ve lost bits of me
Lost… but not forgotten
I’ll never forget how the past felt
And I can’t change it, I have to play the hand I’m dealt
So I’m going to make the most of it
I’m going to do what makes me happy
And that’s something no one is going to take away from me
because we make our own meanings to life
and even though nothing’s set in stone I want to be one of those old dudes that never lost touch with their inner child.
Who in his heart never lost stopped following his dreams
Making everyone’s day just a little bit better
Because when other people are happy, he’s happy
I don’t know how much time I have
But I know I need to make the time count
If I… If I could just make one person… one person feel better and just help them shine bright like the stars above us, then I know it was worth it all
But hey, I can’t live for other people and I can’t make your decisions
All I can do is wish you the best of luck with everything life throws
And no matter how things go the show must go on even after we’re gone
And this is just a chapter ending, there is so much more to explore
So make the next chapter so big and bold, make it legit
Because you never know who will read it  

graduation

Graduating high school is a very surreal experience.  You only get this opportunity once and it is a very essential one.  This is a ride of passage.  This is a moment in time where a lot of people put the entering into adulthood.  Whatever you do after that moment is solely up to you.  No matter if it's into the workforce, college, or even bumming it.  You decide.  Most people in this position  are 17,18 and 19.  Fresh, youthful, and ambitious.  I dream of every growing up and ignoring the dollar sign.  Growing up and following their dreams.  I would much rather be happy and poor.  Than wealthy and miserable.  but than again that's just one guy's opinion.  I wish everyone who graduated this year the best of luck with whatever they do! :)

today I am a flamingo

Yesterday I went on a bike ride.  My rides are not short circles.  My bike rides are endless miles covering the entire city and then some.  Well long story short, I'm pretty sun burnt and it HURTS LOL.  So I sit here, in pain, just buying my time until I have to go to work.  Wish me luck. 

all great things must come to a close

At the beginning of last summer I took a job offer.  This job offer led me to explore a whole new world.  Or at least opened my eyes to the other side of the one we reside in.  Oh the joys of banking! Anyways, I've had a wonderful time overall but i seem to be getting more emotional as my last day comes ever closer.  Like any job, it’s been an interesting mix of good and bad.  I’ve met so many cool people while simultaneously meeting people that I could forget ever existed.  Sometimes I have to wonder how people can think a certain way.  But anyways, there have been a lot of positives that have stemmed from this little experiment of mine.  I was able to gain a lot of communication skills that I once did not possess.  I became more comfortable with myself as I gave countless presentations to the youth.  I did any and everything in my power to be the best me.  Well at least in the eyes of the customers.  You learn to put on a fake smile in customer service.  You learn to express feelings that aren’t there.  I believe those who work with people, become great actors and actresses.  They do it all.  And so when someone leaves a job, no matter the reason they are overwhelmed with emotions because as soon as you change jobs you begin a new chapter.  You see all new faces, all new problems and complaints.  You see the good and the bad and you power through your day like it doesn’t faze you.  And so with this in mind I bid this chapter goodbye in return for a new one.  Now whether it is better or not is still up in the air.  Only time will tell J

so it's been awhile

I've noticed that's it's been quite a few months since I last updated this blog.  This has been a project that has failed emencly.  Not from any reason other than myself.  I have spent the last few months slacking and not that I have a free moment I have decided to revive this page, or maybe make a new blog.  I'm thinking about starting a poetry oriented one.  who would want to see one of those? :)

some lines because I haven't posted in so long

I guess it’s time for me to mix up the pace

I’m rocking this shit from outer space

You can’t recognize the sick shit when it’s spit

I’ve had it up to here with fake people rocking corny flows and getting bitches

Shit You’re gonna end up with stiches

After I have an afternoon brainstorming lines

It’s like typhoon ready to go boom from inside a balloon

Overdosing on cocaine after it burst, oh too soon

I’m sleighing bad rappers for good reasons call me Dexter

If you doubt me you’re next for sure

I’m coming door to door just to sell you my flow

I’ll be a one man show doing it one on one

Playing for tips, the music game’s ships are sinking and it’s time to panic

Shit there’s the iceburg and we’re on the titanic

We need a maniac to bring us back to safety

oh please god save me

time

I never seem to have time for anything anymore, I need to work on that in the up and coming days.  So much to say, not the right time

Today, please be better

Okay so I'm really tired and I have no idea why I'm writing this blog. I don't have time, I just don't. I'm so far behind on work It isn't even funny. Like I'm pretty much a mess right now. Like I'm too busy. There's too much to do. Like Between work and school I have no time. Then I have to worry about friends, and trying to not forget I have them. And even though I have no time I still get lost in thought thinking about the future. Like do you ever get an idea stuck in your head. The perfect ending to the story we call life. Like the events you know you want to have happen, even though you know they're unlikely. And then you get sad when they aren't happening. Like ugghh life, can't you be a little easier to me for a little while til I can stop drowning in business

from blog to vlog

So there's not really much to say today, 2013 is here and I'm going to start making vlogs that are more serious and more personal.  So if you want to watch the first one Click here :)