here's to a new year

So I promised I wasn't going to rant today but it's close to 2013 and I am defiantly being filled with emotions.  I just don't know.  I'm looking forward to this coming year.  There is a lot I want to happen.  I really doubt that my resolutions will be life altering.  I mean, the way I see it, I'm going to try and make as many videos as I can.  I'm going to be the best goddamn friend I can be to this girl.  And to both of those I say, whatever happens, happens.  The two things I want most in 2013 are beyond achievable.  Who know what will happen.  I'm trying to avoid freaking out or pouring my heart out because I don't know who will read this, and that could be awkward.  I was talking to someone today, and I said something that really rings some truth.  If everything fails, there's always college and parties to bring my spirits up.  Because let's face it, I'm an absolute train wreck of emotion.  I'm bound to get hurt regardless of outcomes, so knowing that that's the fall back then I really want to succeed.  Succeed in life, in love.  I have enough problems with myself, I really don't want to add addictions into the matter... I just need to focus, and not let anything get to me.  The person I value most once told me that life gets easier when you stop giving a shit.  and I'd like to say I'm getting better at doing that.  but then again who knows if I'm venting on an internet blog.  A BLOG! ugh, anyways, here's to 2013 may you find happiness like no other, love that is irreplaceable, and find moments that make everything worth it.
I'm not getting a midnight kiss this year, but next year, I want it to be the first of many with her.

Happy New Year! :)

my new video

So the other day I was talking with my friend and we came up with an idea for a new series to start up titled monster news where we basically cover news stories in our own little crazy way.  I kind of wanted some feedback :) click here to watch it hopefully it's good enough to become well liked :)

today!

Today is the day! I slept in til about 11, which by my standards is pretty fucking awesome seeing how I haven't been able to sleep past 8 lately.  I followed up that with a swift nom nom noming of breakfast and I headed back to my room.  I finished the editing for my new video which will be up later today :) I love when I'm in a good mood, I always feel on top of the world!!! later today my parents will be taking me to a hockey game soo i'm excited, until next time.

dedication!

Dedication is key! I keep telling myself that I have to stick to writing.  I have to keep making videos, I have to not forget I have these outlets.  It's really something I need to focus on.  Social media is my outlet, entertainment is my passion.  I don't normally express myself and so everything just builds up inside without this source.  Which kind of sucks when I'm dealing with writer's block or something of that nature.  See the problem is I'm torn with a lot of things, and like most cliche things, there's a love interest.  Oh yes I am going to be "that guy".  I feel kind of bad venting about it on this blog but then again I don't care.  I like to think that things will magically fall into my lap, but of coarse that's something left only to fairy tales.  Fun fact, this person is well... not single :( and oh yes that heart breaking moment of being a guaranteed friend-zone member.  I try and reassure myself that this is a temporary matter and that they will somehow break up and I will be the magical man to step in.  Obviously, that won't be me.  I'm not good looking and i'm incredibly awkward.  That's practically a strike out right there.  I'd also like to add in that the two of us have had a rocky kind of past but everything is good now, I mean history has got to speak for something, right? Never the less I'll stay dedicated, waiting for the moment to have them in my arms, if only for a moment.

I'm going to bed to dream about the possibilities

Goodnight everyone :)

some new lines

Yo this kid’s never succeeded

Always defeated

Yet he’s never backed down

Never retreated

Yo he’s dropping bombs in this place

He’s out of place, from outer space

He’s leading this race

And does it with so much grace

He’s coming in hot

With everything he’s got

One shot is all he needs

To do his deeds

The whole crowd agrees

He’s a sensation

A new revalation

Ready to lead this nation

Keeps holding steady

No celebrations, no confetti

He can’t afford to be so petty

It’s a shame

He can’t step up his game

But that’s cause he’s at the top

No reason to stop

But the balls about to drop

And all we hear is new year, new year

forgetful me

okay, okay, I get it... I suck at remembering this blog.  I mean I try, that's gotta get me some brownie points, right? okay that was worth a shot I guess.  I guess I should talk about xmas, or my life, but I think I'll save that for another day, until then.  I'm taking a nap on my floor!

lyrics to my ke$ha die young verse

Yeah it’s time to live tonight

We know how to do it right

Glasses raised shots go down

We’re gonna run this town   

Live forever, that’s the plan

Sorry if you don’t understand

now or never

Don’t act clever

Get lost in the moment

There’s no turning back

Living life on a party track

Dj don’t stop me now

Sit back and all show you how

 We do this all day

Please don’t play with what I say

Things are getting pretty hot

Lets give it all we’ve got

Leave you happy for days

Before we go our separate ways 

why do i procrastinate

I keep asking myself this because time and time again i put myself into stressful situations over stupid stuff that I could have gotten done eons ago but i forgo to do random things.  My brain isn't compatible with school.  Especially senior year! I will try and get better at it at least :P

Thanksgiving

ah thanksgiving, that magical holiday where we say we're thankful for what we have, then stuff our faces with more food than any other day, then plan to buy a bunch of useless stuff we don't need.  Is it just me or is that a little ironic.  I mean really, all I care about right now is eating and I can't do that because I have to "wait for lunch".  I don't really see the point in a lot of holidays because they're just used to market random stuff.  I mean seriously people spend so much every holiday, and for what? NOTHING! We just spend spend spend pretend theres a purpose then let it collect dust or eat it.  WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE

What to blog about?

AM I the only one that seems to come up empty handed time and time again on creativity.  I don't mean to come out negative at all but I mean it's crazy.  I can just sit here staring to the endless whiteness of a blank screen just to take a break with nothing done.  I don't think it's that I can't write, but it's that i don't think what I'm writing is any good.  I haven't made a youtube video in sooo long.  Like it's not even funny.  I want to make more videos, but i use time as an excuse.  While yes I am busy most of the time I still could make videos more frequently, but I digress.  I don't know what deters me.  Or what stops people from following their dreams.  We could all get closer if we wanted to, but we don't. Part of me thinks it the idea of failing.  If we don't try then we can always dream.  Dream of the endless possibilities that lie ahead for us.  But if we try and fail, we will always live in the shadow of our defeat.   Always being overshadowed when in reality it shouldn't matter.  We fail all the time, it's just this is held a little closer to home.  I'm not saying I'm going to magically change and post all the time and force my way in.  But I will at least acknowledge my avoidance of it all.  And that's a start at least :P

only douche bags say swag

Swag is such an overused word

The fact that it still has a meaning is simply absurd

Can’t people just have a new phrase

because this phase is like a maze filled with fog and haze that’ll leave you walking in circles for days

it’s like swag is a god, and you must give praise

can someone give me an answer to why that post just gave spiderman cancer

be lyrical, maybe even satirical, but I swear to god I don’t care how empirical it is, I will smack you for saying swag

why do you guys want me to nag

Seriously, swag sucks severely

when people ask if it’s cool I say no not nearly

let’s put swag to some good use

so listen to this swag abuse

Fuck a thesaurus

I’m a swagasaurus who can’t sing a chorus

My rhymes aren’t always vicious but they’re always swagalious

I’ve got swag so I don’t grow old

I moved to the gulf to golf and drill for swag gold

Who knows, maybe I’ll spill some swag

You know the animals need a daily dose of swag

It’s outrageous, it’s contagious

My ego’s crowded but with swag it’s so spacious

let’s face it, society’s about to collapse

it’s official, stupidity is about relapse

let’s play a drinking game, after all we’ve got nothing to lose

everytime someone says swag, get out the booze

and after a few hours of fun followed by vomiting and a killer hangover

we will finally know that saying swag is over

because it’s lost its thrill

so swag, you know the drill

you’re a fad that can’t leave fast enough

because saying swag doesn’t make you tough

it doesn’t make you original

it doesn’t make you special

it doesn’t do the slightest bit of good except fuel that hot head of yours

and that’s why one should say swag

only douche bags say swag

Lines

I'm writing lines
Walking on thin ice
Look to my past to see whose nice
And whose a lie
To not get hurt would be to not try
I guess the time for regrets has past
Because its my lines that'll last

off to work and new material on the way

I'm kind of rushing this because once again I have not planned things out and need to get to work really soon.  Time management have never exactly been a forte of mine to put it gently.  Anyways, I have been having a terrible time lately and was in need of a rage poem/rap to calm myself.  It's short right now but it may continue.  Hopefully it's good :)  Also I was listening to Kill Everybody by Skrillex on my way home today so... theres that to XD Time to be productive!!! :D

why do we do what we do

I don't why I'm bothering to think of this now, but I might as well before I fall asleep and forget about it.  What is the reason behind our actions, our motivation to madness.  I'd like to say I can rationalize my actions but sometimes I end up in WTF moments that just leave me speechless.  I love how we'll do something we know fully well will wind us up in trouble.  That we fall in love with someone even though we know they'll just break your heart </3.  We a crazy creature that feeds off of the needs of others.  Social sociopaths that do what ever they want.  And yet at the end of the day, when all has been said and done... we manage to function and not kill everyone.  That's a very good thing :)

Sitting here

I am sitting here playing slender D: OH MAH GAWD THIS SHIT IS SCARY I'm pretty sure I won't sleep like ever anymore O.o my kind is free of reality at least :P

where did the time go??

As I sit in an overpopulated gas station tapping away with free wifi I'm left to wonder, where did the time go?  It wasn't that long ago that I was dedicated to making content and finding new ways to be creative.  I was willing to go to crazy lengths to get new stuff out onto the internet.  Now I find myself working less and wasting the free time I picked up along the way.  I didn't intend for it to be this way.  I really didn't.  But you know... shit happens.  I take a sip of my coffee and realize that I have been sitting here lost in thought for far too long seeing as how it's beginning to get cold.  I can't help but to think what the turning point was that drastically reduced my sense of urgency in creativity.  I could always blame my depressing mood at times, I love to blame that thing.  I could blame the fact that I've been investing time into my future and potential colleges.  but I've barely spent anytime on that and I doubt someone who knew me would buy that anyways.   I do intent to write more, and I do need this blog for a copious amount of reasons... I just can't explain them all. Anyways, I grow tired for creative thoughts tonight and if I keep this mind set too much longer I'm going to get seriously depressed and that's never fun to spend the night like that.  I shall try and break this cycle, one entry at a time.

today :)

I had an amazing day, I'm feeling great and i'm talking with a lot of fantastic people from my past. :) not really much to say, I'm just really happy.

I made a cake today

like most times, when a friend of mine has a birthday, I make them a birthday cake.  A friend of mine who I care very much about asked me to make it the day before.  I agreed to it and began the amazing journey of doing everything in the middle of the night after work and school.  Since I do it all the time apparently, it was no problem to muster the strength. I got three hours of sleep and I brought the cake in to be met with gratitude and excitement.  Although I felt used for making the cake, I was happy knowing that I did something that meant a lot to the people around me.  It means a lot to me so I keep doing it.  I'm super tired now and ready to go to sleep, but for the first time in quite a while, I'm happy :)

school time

well I'm too tired for blogs, but I just wanted to say that I'm excited for school in the morning.  It will be a nice change... I hope :)

I feel like a poem to vent

here I go, be warned
I'm scorned with a heart that's torn
I've had shitty luck since I've been born
Growing up practically alone
but no one cared when I would moan
oh, that kids just acting up for attention
like that was some measure of prevention
why would I would have to comform to belong
why couldn't anyone get along with me when I sung my song
why does no one care about shit that leaves me hurt
breaking my heart and passing me up for a heartless flirt
like you're gonna find love in a hopeless place
well if it's a rihanna relationship I can't wait to see your face
after he goes all Chris Brown on you
strangle you til you find a new shade of blue
maybe you could feel like me
maybe I could let you be
but how can I do that
I'll be that kid who just stopped caring
no I'm better than that, so keep staring
make me try it again later
then maybe you'll realize whose the hater
but I guess that's up for debate
we'll leave the future up to fate

the future in sight

The school year is just around the corner.  and with that brings a whole new world of possibilities.  With this I enter a new chapter in my life, more opportunities, new people, old friends.  I'm so ready for this.  I have no idea what to expect between school, work and friends.  I look forward to this year and all it's possibilities!  wish me luck :)

Things get better, right?

I spend the afternoon after work with some old co-workers.  Through our job we grew close, and we all tell each other pretty much anything.  Well while we were out we were discussing relationships.While we have our own problems, we seem to have similarities. We were both talking about our dilemmas and there never really is an easy way to move on.  To get that strength to move on, to accept where things are and move on. but where does that strength come from, do we get it from within? from others? from happiness? sorrow? Maybe we all handle it differently but do we really get over it.  We always end up getting broken, will we ever break the cycle.  what's worth getting hurt over. I need to ask myself these questions, I'm just going to bed for now

Today went well... well sorta

So today was my senior pictures and I was excited to get that over with.  but first I had to make it through a day of work.  Things were busy, nothing out of the ordinary other than the stress levels.  I go to Subway for lunch and while I'm eating my sub just chillin' staring out of the window, I see my friend walking to her car.  Needless to say I wanted to go outside and say hi, but I was too late.  plus I didn't want to have to explain the awkwardness of randomly showing up.  So I text her but no text back which is kind of a downer.  I start to think very negatively of myself when people I care about don't talk to me.  So in a bit of a sour mood I finish up my day at work and go home.  trade my dark shirt for a white one, and a dark blue tie for a grayish one, grab my jacket and off to the place. I show up and everyone's friendly, after I make them laugh I get my picture taken, and i'm off to explore.  I go look at books, and get some fast food, pretty unexciting I might say but its left me pretty tired. So with that in mind I'll try and process my life a little more and get some much needed sleep.  Goodnight to you all, and I love you all

looking forward to tomorrow and the future

As I lay here in my bed contemplating possible futures, it struck me.  I have my senior pictures tomorrow.  It's kind of crazy to think that I've made it this far.  And no matter how much I complain about working all these hours, and how I hate so many people, I had fun.  I absolutely had fun.  This summer seems hollow with working a lot, never getting to hang out with the one person I wanted nothing more and yet plans fell through, and the stress.  oh let's not forget the stress.  In a few days i'll be back in school doing the same old same old.  Reunited with old friends and acquaintances but only for a short while.  only for one last year. Then we go our separate ways.  off to college, off to explore, off to find themselves.  I really do wish I could get more time to spend with these amazing people because it may very well be the last time I get that joy.  I'll try to hold onto a few, their names embedded into my brain already.  I will never forget them, at least not yet.  
Who knows if this year will bring me closer to the girl I want nothing but the best for.  Or even if i'll get those final memories with my childhood best friend. We all drift apart in time, but that doesn't mean it has to be immediate, nor does it have to be wanted.  things will always happen and I will always stand up for what I believe in, or who I believe in.  Even if they don't want me there, I will try because I don't want them to end up like me.  It's too much, too much pain, sorrow, and loneliness.  I will do anything to make them happy because maybe it'll cheer me up.  maybe I can right some wrongs of my past, or maybe just seeing them happy is enough.  enough to keep going, to keep fighting.  Until I'm not needed anymore. And that's the only thing I really know about my future.  I'll find the people that keep me going, that give me reason to be me.

thoughts at work today

So I normally spend a lot of time thinking so it's no surprise that I take any chance at work to zone out.  I find more reasons to get distracted that most people realize.  I guess it's just an acquired art (love my alliteration skills?) I really realized today how much little I accomplished this summer.  I mean honestly I had three months to myself.  Granted I worked two jobs but still! I only made about two youtube videos and I only wrote a handful of poems. I feel like I really let my summer slip away and now I want to make this last week count.  wish me luck