school time

well I'm too tired for blogs, but I just wanted to say that I'm excited for school in the morning.  It will be a nice change... I hope :)

I feel like a poem to vent

here I go, be warned
I'm scorned with a heart that's torn
I've had shitty luck since I've been born
Growing up practically alone
but no one cared when I would moan
oh, that kids just acting up for attention
like that was some measure of prevention
why would I would have to comform to belong
why couldn't anyone get along with me when I sung my song
why does no one care about shit that leaves me hurt
breaking my heart and passing me up for a heartless flirt
like you're gonna find love in a hopeless place
well if it's a rihanna relationship I can't wait to see your face
after he goes all Chris Brown on you
strangle you til you find a new shade of blue
maybe you could feel like me
maybe I could let you be
but how can I do that
I'll be that kid who just stopped caring
no I'm better than that, so keep staring
make me try it again later
then maybe you'll realize whose the hater
but I guess that's up for debate
we'll leave the future up to fate

the future in sight

The school year is just around the corner.  and with that brings a whole new world of possibilities.  With this I enter a new chapter in my life, more opportunities, new people, old friends.  I'm so ready for this.  I have no idea what to expect between school, work and friends.  I look forward to this year and all it's possibilities!  wish me luck :)

Things get better, right?

I spend the afternoon after work with some old co-workers.  Through our job we grew close, and we all tell each other pretty much anything.  Well while we were out we were discussing relationships.While we have our own problems, we seem to have similarities. We were both talking about our dilemmas and there never really is an easy way to move on.  To get that strength to move on, to accept where things are and move on. but where does that strength come from, do we get it from within? from others? from happiness? sorrow? Maybe we all handle it differently but do we really get over it.  We always end up getting broken, will we ever break the cycle.  what's worth getting hurt over. I need to ask myself these questions, I'm just going to bed for now

Today went well... well sorta

So today was my senior pictures and I was excited to get that over with.  but first I had to make it through a day of work.  Things were busy, nothing out of the ordinary other than the stress levels.  I go to Subway for lunch and while I'm eating my sub just chillin' staring out of the window, I see my friend walking to her car.  Needless to say I wanted to go outside and say hi, but I was too late.  plus I didn't want to have to explain the awkwardness of randomly showing up.  So I text her but no text back which is kind of a downer.  I start to think very negatively of myself when people I care about don't talk to me.  So in a bit of a sour mood I finish up my day at work and go home.  trade my dark shirt for a white one, and a dark blue tie for a grayish one, grab my jacket and off to the place. I show up and everyone's friendly, after I make them laugh I get my picture taken, and i'm off to explore.  I go look at books, and get some fast food, pretty unexciting I might say but its left me pretty tired. So with that in mind I'll try and process my life a little more and get some much needed sleep.  Goodnight to you all, and I love you all

looking forward to tomorrow and the future

As I lay here in my bed contemplating possible futures, it struck me.  I have my senior pictures tomorrow.  It's kind of crazy to think that I've made it this far.  And no matter how much I complain about working all these hours, and how I hate so many people, I had fun.  I absolutely had fun.  This summer seems hollow with working a lot, never getting to hang out with the one person I wanted nothing more and yet plans fell through, and the stress.  oh let's not forget the stress.  In a few days i'll be back in school doing the same old same old.  Reunited with old friends and acquaintances but only for a short while.  only for one last year. Then we go our separate ways.  off to college, off to explore, off to find themselves.  I really do wish I could get more time to spend with these amazing people because it may very well be the last time I get that joy.  I'll try to hold onto a few, their names embedded into my brain already.  I will never forget them, at least not yet.  
Who knows if this year will bring me closer to the girl I want nothing but the best for.  Or even if i'll get those final memories with my childhood best friend. We all drift apart in time, but that doesn't mean it has to be immediate, nor does it have to be wanted.  things will always happen and I will always stand up for what I believe in, or who I believe in.  Even if they don't want me there, I will try because I don't want them to end up like me.  It's too much, too much pain, sorrow, and loneliness.  I will do anything to make them happy because maybe it'll cheer me up.  maybe I can right some wrongs of my past, or maybe just seeing them happy is enough.  enough to keep going, to keep fighting.  Until I'm not needed anymore. And that's the only thing I really know about my future.  I'll find the people that keep me going, that give me reason to be me.

thoughts at work today

So I normally spend a lot of time thinking so it's no surprise that I take any chance at work to zone out.  I find more reasons to get distracted that most people realize.  I guess it's just an acquired art (love my alliteration skills?) I really realized today how much little I accomplished this summer.  I mean honestly I had three months to myself.  Granted I worked two jobs but still! I only made about two youtube videos and I only wrote a handful of poems. I feel like I really let my summer slip away and now I want to make this last week count.  wish me luck