can I change life?

Poetic words come across my brain

I refrain from speaking, I bite my tongue

Knowing full well I will never be this young again

The words never leave the ink stained paper hidden in a notebook

Dear diary, I have feeling that are not reciprocated

I am not hated, but not loved either

Not at least in the ways to fight loneliness

I fight, but it’s not much of struggle

It feels like I need to juggle my priorities but I couldn’t find them

I self medicate with drugs and alcohol

Only to recall my binges through friends the next afternoon when I awake

I quake at the idea of failure but death doesn’t get a second look

The sanity it took to stay has since left but I can’t find my way out

I’m trapped in a maze and I still can’t find the cheese

I wonder if it’s actually there

I wonder if it’s moldy since I’ve been alive 18 years

Cheers to life, may we make it strange

Arrange events that take the hearts of the innocent

We must protect them so they don’t ever learn the pain

I know it sounds insane but when I saw you in the rain I wanted to move

But I couldn’t break out of my shell

I know hell is in my future but I refuse to let it change my actions

Some people just lose

Maybe we all lose in the end

Maybe we live in a world of pretend

Life can be anything that we intend

Just be careful of the messages you send

i guess some explaining is in order

I guess some explaining is order. I am a broke college student, and a lazy one at that.  I can make no promises on content.  The fact that I sometimes remember this blog and forget a lot is strange to begin with.  I don't have a known idea of my future.  This blog is to capture my college experience.  Some posts will be poetry, other will be stories.  Let the fun begin :)

A thousand voices by Cody Myers

Ever since I was a little kid
My grandparents would compliment my imagination
I would go on tangents telling stories on a whim that made no sense
Even now I have no idea what I was talking about
But it didn’t matter, I just said the first words that came out of my mouth
As I grew up I began to notice something… Strange
No matter what I did I never seemed to really live
The first time I performed a poem I was 15
That day I had never felt so alive in my life
And I knew… That meant something
The words I wrote came straight from the heart
From a chorus of a thousand voices telling me exactly what to say
Until that day I didn’t know what really made me tic
That day I learned I was a broken clock who was numb until I was wound up
Every time I went to write was I started to work
I am a stationary being who only moves when I have a movement behind me
I find that my best moments are not my accomplishments on paper
But rather the people my ink on paper has changed
I live to please, that’s what I always tell people
My mind both push me to suicide and pulled me away
Because now adays for every one sad voice in my head
I have a thousand drowning them out
But it’s not always that way
Those rhymes that people say don’t hide the mental bruises that actually occur
Years of unseen mental abuse leads me to question ever but about me
So excuse me if I don’t give a shit when I complement you
Excuse me if I think I could blindly run into a city and get that same complement from a thousand other people! Even if it means getting hit by a few cars in the process
I don’t sleep because there are a thousand voices giving me doubt
I don’t sleep because they tell me the wonderful things I dream of doing
And I fade away to dreams only to live them all with an audience in my head
I may go no where, hell no one may ever read this
But if I can just change one persons bad judgement
Then I’ve done something right

Fairy Tales by Cody Myers

We are two independent beings

We have lives that are great

Isn’t that how the story goes?

Prince meets princess by fate

Hook up right away like it was meant to be

Well Atlantis has washed up like Disney channel shows

Fairy tales are meant to stay the way

Because if that how every story went then nobody would have anything to say

 We would have no reason to live

And it would lead to late night Netflix sessions with popcorn drenched in self-loathing

Locked in thought that I could change everything with a change of clothing

No

That is not what my life is meant to be like

Nor is yours

Everyone can be unique

Fuck anyone that thinks you HAVE to be a certain way

That if you wear this and walk this way than you can never find love

They shove that bullshit down our throats, and you know what that’s called?

Bullying, nothing more then the rudimentary struggles of our younger selves coming back to haunt us

We’re all possessed and tainted spirits but no one has the precision for an exorcism

Every stich scar and bruise has a story so if you don’t like stories than you don’t want someone who lived

God’s a bully, but we accept it

I say reject it, if your happiness comes from within or something more real than a fairy tale then for fucks sakes tell him off like your middle school bully at your first high school reunion

we are the class of fuck off

the generation that has the chance to change what we look at as people

beauty isn’t just skin deep, but if it is our lives stop half way if we’re lucky and we walk around treated like a zombie, treated like I was infected

I have lived my life believing that I was not good enough

That if only I had gotten lucky in a genetic lottery

And despite a loving family with good values, those traits are void

So excuse me if I get annoyed when some schmuck whose had everything in life handed tell you you’re not beautiful

Just because you weren’t born the way they wanted

Tell them that’s what fairy tales are for

i don't know

As I sit here thinking about what to write I come to a conclusion.  The conclusion is this, i don't know.  This biggest thing I've learned recently is that saying I don't know is a hell of a lot better than convincing myself what the fuck I'm doing.  I'll be honest, I don't .  I make silly videos on the internet and work 40 hours a week when I'm not in school.  I head off to college in the fall and that'll just throw a lovely wrench into anything I'm doing that I don't necessarily like and hopefully I'll do stuff I really enjoy, problem is, I don't know what that is.  

no sense, too tired

I like to write

Laziness wants to fight me

I say bite me or spite me but these words are my freedom

I have broken these chains, my pains are a part of me

so don't start with me on your idea of perfection

although tonight my brain isn't making connections

correction, they just aren't good

the idea that I should quit and call it a day

will people say that the way live is incorrect

I deflect possibility

for tranquility

I'd rather be happy than anything else

myself is who I am to please

I prove things to myself and that's what makes life a breeze 

this poem doesn't make sense

hence the lack of sense

wait that was redundant 

im underfunded because I'm broke and I struggle to write a good joke

but I will tell you sleeping is a piece of cake

which I'm about to do because I have a headache for fuck's sake

Nothing to say but a love to write

What can I say? I love writing this blog, even when the only time I have to work on it is late at night like this. I feel like it may hurt the quality but overall writing is writing. I love working on this and I'm very happy that I get to practice what I enjoy